apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
