Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
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i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
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I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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