my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize