I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
