A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
