he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
