If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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