You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
