Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
