oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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