Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
