Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
