You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
