dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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