You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
