Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize