2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
