I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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