For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
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So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
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I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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