I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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