I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
