I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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