i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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