you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
