Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
