I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
