I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
