Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
