Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
