so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
