3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I think I won the penis lottery.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
