i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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