I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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