Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
