Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
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You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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