Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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