Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
