I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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