I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
