I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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