when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
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YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
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I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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