Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
love makes seman taste better
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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