I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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