Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
