you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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