the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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