My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
