She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
