i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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