Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
