He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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