She went from zero to smokin in five shots
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
being pregnant is like rehab
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
