I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
