Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
