Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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