apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
