I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
